In the end of 2020, I was going to write a short annual review post here. I was definitely not going to do a structured review of my goals and plans in it. Perhaps, a fluid expression of how I felt about the whole year. Exploring these feelings comes down to the two states of mind I was in during the whole year.
I am trying to see if I can bring out a cohesive stream of thoughts by mixing these two extremes of my perceptions|I am trying to see how posts written in two of my writing states would look like when mixed. My original idea for content of this post was to summarize my 2020 from these two perspectives. Now 2020 is long gone and I wonder if this is the right time to write this|Now 2020 is long gone but maybe I can write with more emotional distance. While I am mixing these two states, at this very moment, I am wondering if I can clearly identify these states|While writing these two forms, I am trying to understand and name the two states better. This paragraph, till now, looks unclear|This paragraph keeps sentence variations which are emotional and logical respectively.
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I am not sure if mixing would help and should I provide a button for going with first or the second variation completely|I feel mixing sentences should be the key since I haven't lived the whole year in one state and looking at one state in a sequence will be unfaithful.
Talking about emotional distance in writing makes me feel the second variation is overpowering|Looks like second variation is overpowering because of being grounded in logic, but that might mean I am not splitting the variations correctly.
2020
2020 was the worst year|2020 was the best year. I actually don't feel it was the worst year|I actually don't feel it was the best year. But it's a nice starting point in any case. It helps set scopes for my inhibitions|It helps clarify what is okay to talk about.
I did a lot of journaling that year, tried to introspect a lot and found my deepest fears|I did a lot of journaling that year, introspected a lot and understood myself more clearly. I found that getting too deep into journaling exacerbates my fears and provokes triggers for unwanted situations|I found that getting too deep into journaling helped me finally get closures on few events. Sometimes, the process of getting closures is hard.
I am wondering if I should be looking at transition mechanism for this post right now|I am wondering if I should be looking at transition mechanism for this post right now, I guess it will help me with the later content too. I wonder if I would go with second variation from the previous line|I wonder if I should mix the decision from the previous line. I should make the transition as I keep writing. There are two speakers and their authorship should be acknowledged.
Here is the first variation|Here is the second variation.
I had been much closer to a few people emotionally that year, almost breaching my comfort zone. I wonder if the pandemic was involved here|I don't think the pandemic was involved here. Other people took important positions in my life and I wasn't able to understand the limits of my own sovereignty|Finally, other people came in pockets of my life that were mostly isolated and abandoned.
Intellectually, I have been stuck throughout the last year|Intellectually, I have taken new turns in the last year. I haven't been able to grow myself outside of my tangles|No long term vision, but multiple rushes from new kinds of work. I could have done much more. I have mostly been running away from situations, an act that feels more authentic and effortless|I have mostly been running towards new things, even if they are outside of my core competency. I realize that am afraid of freedom|I realize that I get anxious when secure.
I feel the first variation is driven by fear|I feel the second variation is driven by fear. First variation works with fear by trying to introspect the inherent uncertainty, it's brave in its own way|Second variation works with fear by doing what others have done. Maybe the second variation is actually not logical|Maybe no variation is logical. Thinking more about it, I believe there is no dichotomy of emotions and logic in our lives, we mix everything in a sort of ambivalence. The two variations I have been perceiving are two of those mixtures, separated based on familiarity. The perceptions from second are familiar, from first, not so much. Familiarity is the key differentiator.
And I believe the second variation is the true attractor for me|And I believe the first variation is the true attactor for me.